living water

“Those who drink the water I give them will never thirst.” --John 4:14

The last couple of days have left me feeling "blah." Do you know what I mean? It might have been the grayness of yesterday morning that started it, but it is that feeling of almost numbness toward life. The word "community" stuck out to me when I was looking at this blog's subtitle and it has not been the topic of any posts so far. Not really, anyway. And so today I've been turning it over in mind and it seems like that is what is lacking in my life.

There is a lot to be grateful for, don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled to be married (most of the time!) and happy to be a mom of a funny little guy who gets more interesting as the days go by. But it feels like community in the true sense of the word is hard to locate and sustain, and it gets harder as we get deeper into adulthood. We have pockets of friends in various places: church, work, Spencer's connections, cyberspace. It just feels different and maybe more shallow than past situations have been.

College is a good example. There were people everywhere and it was easy to find friends to hang out with in the dorms. I was part of a ministry with goals and accountability that seemed to be making a difference. Now it takes real effort to even plan something simple, get the husband on board (if men are included), get Lewis fed, dressed etc. and out the door somewhere near on time. Is this just me? Please feel free to tell me if so.

It is cooler today, in the 50s, but sunny so Lewis and I went for a long walk all around downtown. We walked almost to the bypass (near Puerto Vallerta for those of you familiar with BG) so that I could glance at a yard sale. The sun and fresh air provided some comfort. It was nice to walk and clear my head. When I got home I was looking at that Radiant newsletter thing and found another great article from last week that really hit home with my mood.

Here is a rather long excerpt by writer Casey Manes:

"The thirst of a woman’s soul replicates this physical need for water, only it is often much more difficult to tame. Jesus said to come to Him and He would give those who believe in Him living water; in fact, He would be to them the Living Water. I’ve heard that so many times, I assume I’ve got it down. Then I’m disappointed by a friend, or I feel misunderstood by my husband, and the demand of my thirst rears its monstrous self—a thirst and longing to be known, to be needed, to not thirst anymore.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve been with girlfriends, and the conversation boils down to one similar point; we’ve been disappointed by someone, by life, by our current circumstances. Hoping that once the wedding gets here, or the baby comes, or the promotion happens that a lasting quenching of our thirst will finally occur.

I am continuing to learn that to grow in my relationship with Christ means that my identity and hope come from Him alone. Not from hopes of what circumstances I dream will come my way, or hopes in how others will come through for me, but hoping in Christ and His love for me. The startling truth I’m realizing in this journey is that in order to be truly filled by Christ, I have to admit the disappointments I’ve encountered.

Disappointments and heartaches that are given to God free me to look to Him alone for my fulfillment. This can be scary because it means admitting to myself that others have let me down—that my husband can’t fulfill my every need, that my parents won’t always be there for me in the way I expect them to be. It’s giving other people permission not to be my living water, and asking Christ to step into those shoes instead. "

This is really what I am thirsting for. Community is important and I continue to long for it in a real, deep and transformational kind of way. But in order for me to be a vibrant part of it, I have to be first satisfied by this Living Water. Undoubtedly there will always be a sense of discontentedness this side of heaven. God surely intended us to hunger for something beyond this earthly life. Still, if He is willing to fill me up here, in this moment, that is enough for now.

A side note: There is a house two doors down up for auction next Saturday (3-24). It is a major fixer-upper, but should go quite cheaply (less than $30,000--seriously!!). It would really be cool to have some fun neighbors. Anyone interested?