orphan mindset

"This is what the Lord says, 'Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.'

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" --Jeremiah 17:1-9.

After my ranting of last week, I have been on a quest for peace internally. Granted we all will have bad days, but my response to things has not been good, and my general state lately has been one of anxiousness and fear. I've been afraid that God has turned his back on me for some reason, which biblically cannot be the case. But when we start to go down that road of doubt, our hearts can be very deceptive and we can begin to believe things that are far from the truth!

Thankfully we have been attending a small local church where the truth is taught clearly and without shame. We have been going through Romans and the pastor has made it clear that salvation is the beginning of a lifetime of struggle with our flesh. Before becoming believers, we as humans are content to sin and to try to satisfy the flesh anyway we can. But afterward, when the Spirit comes to dwell within us, we begin to struggle to overcome sin and a battle ensues that continues until death. It is wonderful that salvation is not just from the penalty of sin, but also to free us from the power of sin in our lives. And it is powerful. If we are not winning the battle, sin is probably winning instead. (I can't do justice to the wonderful quotes the pastor gives each week!).

All of this to say that through ingesting this truth on Sundays and in reading a book called "From Free to Freedom" by Rose Marie Miller, I have been finding some victory over this anxiety that had gripped me and rediscovering my position as a daughter of God. Miller talks about how often Christians live like abandoned orphans without a father, trusting in themselves and living in fear of what will come. I've seen a lot of myself in these pages! This is the book that the Bible study group I attended last week will be studying, so my hope is that Lewis and I will be able to go and engage in discussion on this topic.

Having a child brings in a new area with which to trust God, and it is much harder than I expected. But relying on myself and my own plan is far shakier, so it will be something that I will have to continually lay at his feet. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers for us. We are excited about what God is doing in all of us.

mommy frustration

It's not quite noon, and I'm already worn out from motherhood! It's just been one of those days that is following one of the those nights. Lewis was basically up from 12:30 a.m. to 2:30 a.m. off and on. We rocked, nursed, put him in our bed......but nothing worked. Eventually Justin got up to give Lewis baby Motrin and to 'do his thing' which I'm happy to say eventually did the job. Lewis was up again at 6 a.m., nursed again, and thankfully slept until almost nine. Needless to say, weaning is not going well with these kind of nights happening fairly often lately. It reminds me of the newborn days.

This morning was one I had been looking forward to for a couple of weeks. Some ladies who are involved with a local church plant are starting a Bible study and today was the first real meeting.

After the night we had, I was running around crazy trying to get myself and Lewis ready (and fed) with very little time. Throw in a leak in our bathroom ceiling, and it was no easy task getting everything together. Luckily there are other moms of babies in the group, so I was not the latest one! Things were going well and we were getting aquainted. Lewis, with his mobility gaps, still falls down often, especially in unfamiliar surroundings. He had already fallen a couple of times after we arrived, but just after our formal introductions, Lewis took yet another fall, and cried off and on the rest of the time we were there. So much so, that I had to take him outside. Once there, the problem became that he didn't want to go back in.

It was frustrating because he seemed perfectly fine, aside from a couple of "owies," but absolutely refused to play inside and calm down. Since he can't communicate and tell me when something is wrong, it certainly makes it hard to know what to do. Of course, in my mind I'm thinking that these new potential friends are probably making mental notes that our family is out of control and certainly their interest in us as people is vanishing. I'm thinking that I'll never be able to be part of anything deeper because it is too hard to focus when Lewis could take a fall at any moment.

Eventually I drove away in tears, humiliated, and wondering if God really cares about any of this. In my heart, I know he does. But there are those days when it feels like if any more weight is added to the load that my world is going to shatter.

I know that I am not alone with these feelings. While it is very hard for me to get out and spend time with actual friends in person, I do take comfort in being connected online to many real moms who are doing their best to make it through each day. When our babies are grown, we will miss these days! But in the present, some hard times come and we need the encouragement of others to help us through. If you are out there having a bad day, take heart--You are not alone!!

And more importantly, our God sees you, and knows your pain, frustration and sees your tears. Here a couple of interesting scriptures about tears:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." --Psalm 126:5-6.

"'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'"--Revelation 21:3-4.

silly song

Tonight at dinner, Justin was trying to get Lewis to eat some "Lone Star Stew," which is mainly ham and black-eyed peas. It tastes better than it sounds! Anyway, we often will sing Lewis silly songs to encourage him to eat, and make up many of our own. Keeping with tradition, Justin started out singing "Jesus Loves the Little Children," but ended up with several original verses. I was fairly surprised a few minutes later to hear:

Jesus loves the little Lewis
Our little Lewis of the world
If he's happy, if he's sad
If he's drunk or if he's mad
Jesus loves the little Lewis, yes he does

While this is technically true, I'm really hoping that Lewis is not discovered drunk anytime soon! It really cracked me up, and Justin had to go back over in his mind what he had said because he didn't realize why I was laughing. Nothing like cheap, fun entertainment. The best part is--Lewis actually ate some of the stew! :)

stretching your cash

In an attempt to keep topics separate, here is a comment left by someone hoping for feedback. For the full comment check the last post. Thanks!!

"I'm a fairly young mom by today's standards. I'll be 27 in December, and I'll have a 20 month little girl and a newborn baby boy by that time. Now I'm struggling to put together a budget that will somehow allow me to keep staying home with my kids, and still keep us sheltered, clothed and fed. And the repercussions of my potential failure to squeeze the life out of husband's salary mean that I might have to step out of my kids' lives for 10 hours a day and let someone else be the one who cares for them. I just feel so burdened lately with the weight of that. Being a stay at home mom is difficult, and I don't mean the at home with the kids part. But trusting God to provide when our needs are very real is frightening. I guess I've always trusted in my ability to make money, or in the amount of money I have socked away in savings. Both of those aren't very reassuring right now. I have been working from home, but the arrival of a newborn is going to really force me to reevaluate that situation.

So I guess one question to the other moms who read this is how do you deal with these issues? Particularly if you stay at home, on a practical level, how do you make your money stretch? I know I'm not the only one feeling the pinch of a lost salary...or maybe I am :) How do you deal with convincing your husbands that some luxuries have to be done away with? Do you feel that, despite not working, you're the one in charge of figuring out everything about how to keep your family afloat? Anyone else want to vent? :)"

what's on your mind?

Forgive me for the long delay between posts. We have been dealing with some developmental issues with Lewis which has kept us pretty busy. You can see an update at our regular family blog if you're interested. I've actually been learning a lot through some solid sermons at church on Sundays, which has been fantastic. The other thing that has been helpful has been getting up before Lewis most mornings (sometimes he wakes up earlier than I would like!), and having some time in the Word before my day really gets going. It really does affect everything when I can take a breath and invite the Lord into my day before it gets rolling.

Going through this testing with Lewis has been rather draining emotionally. I'm thrilled to have enlisted help because we need it and I know we will all benefit from those who specialize in early childhood development. Still, it has been humbling to admit that we don't have all the answers. Our speech therapist told us last week not to get bogged down in the "why's." She said she often sees parents who are intelligent and doing all they can, but their kids developmentally are missing some things. At the same time, there are those parents out there who seem clueless, and seem to be doing a whole lot of things wrong, but their kids are hitting every milestone right on schedule. It's much better to focus on moving forward than trying to figure out why we are here today, when we may never know for sure.

So today we are hopeful that we are heading in the right direction. And we are thankful to be in a place of need where we are forced to trust God with the most precious part of our lives. And we are so thankful for the blessing of Lewis, the way he is. He has his issues, but we absolutely adore him and wouldn't change a minute of his little life. We constantly hope and strive to be all that he needs us to be as his parents. We will fail often! But we will never stop trying.

All of this is meant to invite you all into the conversation. My interests and concerns right now may be on the opposite end of the spectrum from yours. My desire for this blog is for it to be encouraging for moms out there on a range of subjects. If you've got something on your mind that you'd like to get feedback on, we'd love to know. I wish i was savvy enough to know how to create threads so that a wide array of topics could be discussed all the time. Still, if you have anything you'd like to hear about or just want to share about your current joys and/or struggles, post away.