This morning was one I had been looking forward to for a couple of weeks. Some ladies who are involved with a local church plant are starting a Bible study and today was the first real meeting.
After the night we had, I was running around crazy trying to get myself and Lewis ready (and fed) with very little time. Throw in a leak in our bathroom ceiling, and it was no easy task getting everything together. Luckily there are other moms of babies in the group, so I was not the latest one! Things were going well and we were getting aquainted. Lewis, with his mobility gaps, still falls down often, especially in unfamiliar surroundings. He had already fallen a couple of times after we arrived, but just after our formal introductions, Lewis took yet another fall, and cried off and on the rest of the time we were there. So much so, that I had to take him outside. Once there, the problem became that he didn't want to go back in.
It was frustrating because he seemed perfectly fine, aside from a couple of "owies," but absolutely refused to play inside and calm down. Since he can't communicate and tell me when something is wrong, it certainly makes it hard to know what to do. Of course, in my mind I'm thinking that these new potential friends are probably making mental notes that our family is out of control and certainly their interest in us as people is vanishing. I'm thinking that I'll never be able to be part of anything deeper because it is too hard to focus when Lewis could take a fall at any moment.
Eventually I drove away in tears, humiliated, and wondering if God really cares about any of this. In my heart, I know he does. But there are those days when it feels like if any more weight is added to the load that my world is going to shatter.
I know that I am not alone with these feelings. While it is very hard for me to get out and spend time with actual friends in person, I do take comfort in being connected online to many real moms who are doing their best to make it through each day. When our babies are grown, we will miss these days! But in the present, some hard times come and we need the encouragement of others to help us through. If you are out there having a bad day, take heart--You are not alone!!
And more importantly, our God sees you, and knows your pain, frustration and sees your tears. Here a couple of interesting scriptures about tears:
"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." --Psalm 126:5-6.
"'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'"--Revelation 21:3-4.
1 comment:
I was surfing the web and came upon your momspot blog and have been reading it for some time. I do feel for you I know that it is very disappointing when things don't go as planned. But you shouldn't be humiliated, you have a beautiful child, you both had a long restless night and both were probably on edge. And those ladies won't judge you and if they do then you need another bible study group. One that understands that parenting is not always easy and that kids do get grumpy sometimes. Children all develop at different ages and your are helping him close the gab, which is great. He will be fine. You on the other hand you need to unstress (chill out) relax. I suggest leaning on family and friends. Sometimes parents and children both need a break from each other. It doesn't mean you are a bad mother or a selfish person, because you leave your child with another family member to love and care for him a few hours once a week or so. It only means your are human and need a well deserved break. I could not of made it without my children's grandparents. I think every couple benifits from alone time to strengthen their marriage. Every spouse (husband especially) needs some undivided attention. Every couple needs to set a time whether it is once a week or once every other week (twice a month) to have time alone. Every mother needs at least 48 hours (2days) a month of time away from their children. Your child will benefit by developing a closer relationship to other family members. When I was a new mother I worried about leaving my child, they enjoyed their grandparents so much that I was actually jealous. But then I realized it is ok for them to love their grandparents, aunts and uncles. I will always be their number one, and I needed the break. By leaving my children just a couple of nights a month with their grandparents, I gave them more then money could ever buy, memories with their grandparents. And me peace of mind to handle what ever was to come up the next week. I hope you find this helpful in some small way. You sound like a wonderful mother, may God bless your family.
Katie
Post a Comment