my mom

With Mother's Day approaching, my thoughts have turned to my mom, and the chasm that now exists between us. She's with the Lord, and certainly thrilled to be there. I'm happy for her, and certainly glad that she is free from the sufferings that came to her physically before she passed. Still, I can't say that I don't miss her. In fact, sometimes it seems like the more that times goes on, the more I miss her and wish I could pick her brain on a range of issues.

To give you a little background, my mom grew up in a pretty difficult situation. My grandmother had been married due to unplanned pregnancies twice, and divorced both times by the time my mom was 8. In fact, mom saw her father for the last time when she was just 10 years-old. Grandma told mom on several occasions that if abortion had been legal when she was conceived, she would've never been born. Mom was passed around quite a bit among her relatives and struggled from a low self-esteem. Still, at age 12 at a church camp, mom invited Christ into her life. It was not until much later that mom really grew in her faith through an organization called the Navigators. The unconditional love of a discipler/mentor helped mom to mature spiritually and socially, which equipped her for the ministry God had for her.

Because of her own rough childhood, mom worked hard to create a loving environment for my sisters and me. Despite our low income early on, mom never worked outside the home, and she was anything but a lazy housewife! She was always available for us after school, which meant alot, especially when we got into high school and other kids started getting into trouble. Her ministry went far beyond our family too. She had compassion for people that was hard to match. There were always tons of people around our house. We had Youth For Christ meetings in our home when my sisters got into high school. We had several people who lived with us for varying amounts of time because mom found it hard to turn down someone in need. She was involved in another ministry called Stonecroft, leading Bible studies all over Louisville. She had groups in random businesses on their lunch hour, in the ghetto or in people's homes. Even when she got cancer she adopted the nurses and other patients going through chemotherapy.

It was truly amazing at her funeral to see hundreds of people who had been influenced by her life; a diverse group of all ages and races. She made it clear at her funeral what she wanted them to know--Christ can take a broken life and turn it around for his glory. She was proof!

Four years ago this weekend, I came home from Belarus, leaving staff with Campus Crusade. Justin had proposed a couple months earlier, and I had returned to prepare for our marriage. It was the last time I got to surprise mom. She thought I was coming back the next week, but I got home in time for Mother's Day, much to her delight. For the next 5 months or so, we saw mom steadily decline until the chemo stopped working altogether. Her two-years of treatments were coming to an end. The cancer was mutating so quickly that it was almost instantly immune to new drugs. The last six weeks were the hardest because she was suffering, and I was there to witness much of the agony. Even then, she clung to the Word of God for strength and looked forward to meeting her creator in person. I remember finding her one day watching HGTV, crying. When I asked her what was going on she said, "I can't decide if I want to go to heaven and be with the Lord, or if I want to plant a garden and watch it grow." Then she started laughing. Both options seemed really good at the time.

Honestly, at the time of mom's death, there was great relief. Watching her die sucked the life out of me, and I was ready to be revived. It was not until a few months later that I began to really feel the void. It still haunts me. Pregnancy and motherhood have brought a new desire for my mom. She wanted so badly to have grandchildren and I would so love to see the look on her face meeting her grandson for the first time. Maybe I'll still get to see that first encounter in heaven someday. But for now I have to muddle through without her. Mothers love in a way that no one else can. They love deeply, unconditionally and completely. Even their unwarranted advice is a sign of their love. What I would give now for some of that advice. Some days are easy, but many are hard, and I realize that I will never get over this loss. But I guess I'm not supposed to.

My dad told me recently that my mom would be proud of me for breastfeeding Lewis and the job I've done so far. There's no greater compliment in my mind. She had her problems, but she set an example that I want to follow. I see glimpses of her in myself some days and smile.